Dumb Guys in Commercials
“Look, let’s face it, guys are smarter than women. Ladies, please debunch your panties and open your ears. Men build all the bridges, all the dams, go to the moon, et cetera. It’s a fact. I don’t want to argue about it. If you don’t believe me, go down to the patent office, where, by the way, Einstein and his penis used to work, and see all the great innovations women didn’t come up with. But commercials depict men as simpleminded buffoons. The wife’s out of town and Dad’s left alone to prepare breakfast for the twins. Smash cut to the guy dumping the waffle batter into the toaster. Or how about the famous Carl’s Jr. campaign about how guys would starve without them, featuring a dunce in his mid-thirties attempting to make guacamole by putting a whole avocado in a blender? (You ladies are lucky I’m too lazy to look up what percentage of Michelin-rated chefs are men.) Or the same guy wants to lounge on the sofa all day watching arena football, but his lady convinces him to go with her to Home Depot to remodel the basement. We would complain about this unfair depiction, but we are too busy running Home Depot and the plant that makes the television the guy on the couch in the commercial is watching. And building, designing and operating the camera and satellites that make it possible for you to see the commercial that makes us look like retarded chimpanzees.
“Speaking of inaccurate depictions, I’ve seen seventy-five ADT home-security commercials and I’ve never seen a face darker than Conan O’Brien’s involved in the home-invasion scenarios. Imagine if an alien came down to the U.S. and just watched TV for a year and then took a tour of our prison system. He would be like, “These white criminals are the shrewdest of them all. They commit one hundred percent of the crime and almost never get caught.”
